Don't Get Tatted Up Drunk

Courtesy of miss Samantha Dolgin and papa Dolgs.

Poll of the Day

So. As my close friends know (and some unsuspecting acquaintances) I like to randomly throw poll questions at people. Previous questions have included the standard "5 albums to bring on a desert island", "One dinner for the rest of your life" and the very well received "Thoughts on grape jelly?" (that was my favorite).

I decided hell. Why not blog about it. Feel free to add your own preferences in the comments and I'll try and keep this up on a semi-steady basis. But only if you freaks participate. So...if I randomly IM you with a weird question one day, don't take 5 minutes wondering why I'm so weird....use that brain juice and answer! Each number is a person, can you guess who's who? Dont try. Thats gay.

Todays Poll: Top Three Favorite Candies.

1. Take 5, Jumbo Reeses, Cadbury Eggs

2. 3 Muskateers, Twix, Milk Chocolate (runner up. crunch bars)

3. Kit Kat, Haribo Gummy Bears, Sour Gummy Worms

4. Starburst Lollipops, Fruit Rollips, Swedish Fish

5. Reeses, Mints (the ones you steal from restaurants), Raisenets

6. Snickers, M&M's, Skittles

7. Livesavers Mints. (im still shaking my head at you)

8. Whatchamacalits, Spree, Frozen Snickers

9. Skittles, Twix, Charston Chew (vanilla)


me?

cadbury mini eggs, carmello bars and swedish fish...... close behind is orange chocolate and chocolate covered gummy bears


Have a FABU-LESS and sugary filled day!



This entry dedicated to the recently discontinued hot chocolate lolly pops. RIP.

you're not helping

jon stewart... i would.

Hope You Don't Need to Pee Anytime Soon...

Have a Seat

I got this link sent to me during work today and really, it's too precious to ignore.

Let me summarize for you. This guy calls the police one day, because he reeeeaaaallly needs to drop a deuce. Like BAD. Why call the police? Because his girlfriend won't come out of the bathroom....

for... drumroll.....

TWO YEARS. TWO WHOLE YEARS.

The skin of her legs had actually grown around the toilet seat. They had to pry the seat off and take it with her to the hospital.

There are so many things wrong with this I dont even know where to start.

First of all, why did nobody notice this woman was missing for TWO YEARS, even cat ladies and social rejects have somebody who would notice their dropping off the planet. And how is it possible that for that amount of time, not one person entered that house and needed to use the bathroom? For that matter, where the hell was the boyfriend excreting all that time? I'd be willing to bet that along with a big stash of crazy pills, the cops might also find a whoooooole lotta shit in the backyard. This is just more fun than assuming they have a second bathroom.

Another fun fact. This woman apparently didn’t WANT to come out of the bathroom. Her boyfriend brought her food and water while she sat, on the toilet, for TWO years.

And how the hell do you date someone on a toilet?

Why would you not call the authorities after the first WEEK of your psycho significant other refusing to move from le toilet? Not to mention the fact that eating and drinking for two years in a bathroom is disgusting, especially when the toilet obviously couldnt be cleaned since it was clearly obstructed by her ass. Germs people, germs obviously powerful enough to kill the brain cells that would tell any normal person BATHROOM DOES NOT = PERMENANT PLACE OF RESIDENCE.

Plus, it can't be comfortable, sitting on hard cold porcelain with a hole in the middle of it for 730 days. Nooooo thank you. If I ever choose to become a psychopath I would much rather attach myself to my bed or perhaps a nice comfy sofa.

You really have to wonder about this boyfriend. Does he have no sexual urges? Did they do it while she was on the toilet?

And what about entertainment? Did he provide her with an endless stream of reading materials? Did he not get kinda freaked out at the site of her skin making its way around the edges of the seat? Did he eventually just start sliding trays of food through a slot like in some weird prison movie because he couldnt deal with the nasty factor anymore? I mean, its not like she could shower from the toilet.

Do you think he ever considered selling tickets around the neighborhood for kids to come see the "Toilet Girl"? Did he try to maybe try sell her off to traveling circus's and freak shows before realizing it was more gross than fascinating and finally getting the cops to physically remove her from his restroom?

Really toilet girl and toilet girls boyfriend? REALLY?


What finally happened after two years of toilet sitting that made this guy go.....

OK THATS IT. YOU'RE SO OUT OF MY FUCKING BATHROOM!

.....

..........

………….

Maybe she didn't flush?

God will grade on a curve

there is no way that the rules of the olden days can still apply today. sometimes, you just gotta adjust to accommodate unexpected changes or shifts. just like when every student gets a 50 on an exam, the teacher has to grade on a curve so that the whole class doesn't fail. similarly, i think God will (or at least should, or else we're all fucking screwed) give us some leeway.

do you even know all the shit that can damn you to the fiery pits of hell? pretty much ANYTHING you do either causes cancer or guarantees you a spot down under. there is no way God wants the entire universe to end up in hell. like the whole no sex before marriage thing. uh, okay. like that's gonna happen. if that holds true, everyone i know is going to hell.

i'm not positive, but i think The Big Guy will let some things slide.
otherwise i'll see you in hell.

i want to be friends with mike huckabee

obama said it best in "the audacity of hope" ... he doesn't dislike george w. bush, but he just doesn't think the guy should be president. maybe the owner of the local car dealership or coach of little league. i feel the same way about mike huckabee. he definitely shouldn't be president, but i want to be his friend so badly. he ate squirrels in college and said "i should say it tastes a lot like chicken, but it doesn't. it tastes like squirrel." the guy is insane! like yeah, that's fucking weird, but i bet he was that guy who never backed down on a dare.

mike huckabee, if you're reading this... let's be bff.

here's a clip of him on SNL a few weeks ago

it's like a party in my mouth

i complain about people a lot, and i think it's because when i get really riled up i like to use writing as an outlet. and drugs. haha just kidding. i only write when i'm bored.

but let's not lose sight that i am generally a happy and fun person who enjoys many things in life, and among my favorites is FOOD. anyone who knows me at all knows that you cannot get in the way of my food. trinh put it best when she says "don't mess with kim's family or food." i like that.

so since i might be switching careers and starting to do something more monetarily rewarding but not so much rewarding in the good Samaritan sense, i've taken to doing volunteer work to maybe fill that gap, and maybe also rack up some good karma points. jenna doesn't think i'll be able to keep this up, but i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

i had the opportunity to combine some of the things i like into one event: volunteer work and FOOD. last night i volunteered at this huge dinner benefit called "Taste of the South End" and it. was. amazing. there were a bunch of high end restaurants serving food at the glamorous black tie affair, and since i was a volunteer, i got to EAT FO FREE! it was amazing. some of my favorites were the sushi from Oiishi, the carrot cake cupcake with cream cheese frosting from South End Buttery, the scallops from Stix, the duck confit salad from Sage, and many many more. it was seriously orgasmic.

and we got little goodie bags at the end with cookies and things. i just ate a cookie and was reminded of all my food bliss from yesterday.

i'm having withdrawal symptoms! and possibly still drunk.

read Nagib's recount of the event here.

toodaloo!

Miladys is Classy

Soho is home to many a winebar/restaurant. There's a variety of foods in a number of chic settings on every corner and cobble stoned sidestreet. However, you would be hard pressed to find a good dive bar, or actually any bar where the beer is under 10 bucks a bottle and the people are at a level of pretension that can be handled by us ‘normal’ members of society.

Aka soho’s mad snobby and expensive yo!

Well. Slight exaggeration on the dive bar thing… my coworkers (ew. Hate that word.) and I have actually managed to find a perfectly dark and dingy cheap ass aka awesome dive bar in soho. It’s called Miladys, and boy do they know low-class. The fact that it’s probably the cheapest place to drink in Soho is great and the bomb-ass food, pool table and inclusion of a photo-hunt machine and jukebox doesn’t hurt.

One thing about dive bars however, is that along with the dingy darkened corners comes dingy darkened (read: sketchy) clientele and employees. Milady’s, granted isn’t that bad, there’s usually a normal after work crew, the crazy eccentric waitress and some random weirdo’s at the bar. When we stopped in for a beer on Monday we got to witness these specimens interacting in such a stunning display of intelligence that I felt the need to pass it along to all of you out there in ‘im so bored I guess ill look at kim and jenna’s blog’ land.

Meet ‘waitress’
Appears to be somewhere between 25-30 years of age. But honestly she could be 45. I have no idea. General appearance gives off a vibe that screams lack of showering (not trying to be mean here people, just painting you a picture. Chicks greasy.) with eclectic rastafarian meets urban hipster meets your 16 year old brothers t-shirt drawer style. She’s very nice and very flaky, the kind of person you would imagine using every spare moment of their day to smoke joints in the bathroom. She loves to chat but the whole joint smoking factor keeps the conversation topics oddly paced and rather awkward if you have had less than 4 beers (which by the way, we had).

Meet ‘awkward couple?’
Guy and chick (man and woman would really be pushing it) appear around the age of 21-22. They are hunched over their little two person table having a conversation about god knows what, probably some book or a class they had together or how many oranges people in florida eat a day, I don’t know. They are the type of people who want to keep the people watchers guessing so they drift back and forth between acting like old pals and acting like budding lovers. I honestly don’t really notice them until the following exchange takes place.

Waitress comes over to take our order and per usual she is taking her sweet ass time which is absolutely fine with me if that’s all that comes between us and a 4$ brew. The normal ‘ooooh hey guys….whats going oooon’ conversation starts (important to note that all speech exiting waitresses mouth has looooong drawn out vowels). We exchange hellos like any good patrons who don’t want spittle ending up in their nacho’s later would, when we realize hmmm…waitress isn’t leaving. This quickly becomes ‘shit. Waitress obviously just sucked down a doobie and wants to discuss life with us’.
Topic of the day? (keep in mind. Its march.) Kwanza.
Don’t ask cause I got nothing.

“Hey…” she says, blinking her bloodshot eyes. “what’s the deal with kwanza..did you guys know some guy just made it up?”

in our minds: uuuuh, that cool but why are we talking about kwanza when there is beer drinking to be done.

cut to: blah blah kwanza is only 30 years old, etc etc. 5 minutes pass and we are hit with this life altering question

“So if it’s so new then does kwanza really exist?”

hmmm. wow...tough one. my mind is starting to hurt just from typing the very words....
OF COURSE this prompts the intellectuals behind me (aka. Awkward couple?) to pitch in their two cents. (Actually it was just the annoying chick, I don’t want to place any blame on the poor unassuming dude with her.)

She adds this pearl to the discussion

Awkward chick : “Of course it exists. I mean, my birthday exists and I celebrate it, but its new.”
(i know. this blew my primitive mind too)
Waitress: “oh true..yeaaaah…good point…true…I like that….truuue. What do you guys think? Would you participate in kwanza?”
(we are drinking and trying to avert our eyes by this time)
awkward chick: “ hell yeah. How do you even become kwanzian though?”

Note to awkward girl:
Kwanzian?!?!?! Really!?!?!? Do you also speak Mexican? Can you write Asian? Perhaps you should keep your mouth shut lest all the ignorance fall right out, you may need it when dealing with other annoying young chicks in the future.

Lets look on the sunny side of things. At least we have the comfort of knowing that Kwanza exists because birthdays exist. I mean wow. Life really makes sense now.

Mom. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because birthdays exist honey.

Mom. How do we know there’s a god?
Because I have a birthday dear.

Mom. Why does my birthday prove kwanza exists?
Because you’re a fucking idiot pumpkin, go to sleep.


Pffffff. People.

DAMN YOU STARBUCKS

Dear Starbucks,

I don't know if anyone's told you, but its illegal to put coke/crack/speed and other addictive drugs in beverages that you sell to the public. You're ruining my life and wallet. Please stop.

sincerly,
Jenna


I swore I would never do it. We grew up on $1.50 dunk's: regular coffee that tastes booomb. Now here I am in NYC, strategically placed across the street from a starbucks, where I discovered the power of the triple-grande-skinny-cinnamon-dolce-latte. Fuckin' thing's 6 bucks.

SIX DOLLA!
FOR A COFFEE?!?!

I could get a damn sang and a soda for the price of my deliciously awesome cafe beverage, I know. I try not to go back for more..but I'm addicted. What can I say. Its damn delish. Is there a Latte Addicts Anon (LAA if you will) meeting that I can attend? Perhaps an anti-starbucks seminar? Why do they call it a latte? Because it costs a latte, and it takes a latte time to make. Fact.

I'm off...latte time. Spare yourself and never sample this amazing beverage.

march 4, 2008

i'll let someone else do the talking today.

fat free pringles will kill you

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EAT FAT FREE PRINGLES!
JUST DON'T DO IT. EVER.